Trying to be better will only make you feel worse
The inescapable circle of self-improvement
It is 2:19 am and you just checked the time.
“Dammit, not again” you whisper
You ate your dinner on time and read 10 pages with eyes full of drowsiness just to tick off things from your daily to-do list. You pick up your phone to scroll a little bit because you think you’ve earned the leisure by working for 30 min straight. You look at the time and it’s already past 2 am. You’ve repeated the circle yet again.
Now this is not to tell you that to-do lists are a waste of time and you shouldn’t create patterns. This is just a wake-up call for you — to let you know that these methods, tactics and “5 ways to be more productive” articles won’t help you unless you’re serious.
The pattern of growing up
Everyone wants to be better but only some have the heart to follow that path. People like routine but they love comfort even more. If you’re a student, you would like to get good grades but also maintain a social life. You will want to go out, have coffee with your friends, go to concerts and make the best of your teens. If you’re a working professional, the set paychecks make you lazy. You wake up, go to work, start with the tasks and by the end of the day you don’t have any more energy to pick up your laptop for doing anything else. Hobbies like writing, gaming, and crafting are all somewhere in the attic in a box.
You see- here is a pattern. You find comfort in the life you build. Now why would you want to break it and make your life miserable? Why eat healthier, why go to the gym, why start a blog, why establish your long-wanted business?
Where there is comfort, there is no room for improvement.
The fallacy of advice
Now some people would rather live a life of comfort but then there are people like you- who want change. You want a better health and a better income. You are different because you’d rather give up comfort today to live a better life 5 years from now.
But where does your sadness emerge from? Let’s break it down.
You look up online and find the best self-improvement articles.
- 10 ways to be better than other people?
- Live a stoic life and you’ll rediscover yourself.
- 5 ways to be more productive and get things done
Even I write such articles and most of the time, these things work for me. But, what works for them shouldn’t necessarily work for you.
You wouldn't teach a monkey how to fly or a bird how to bark. Most of the time this advice is a path for you to discover what works best for you. Instead of finding a way of your own, you follow the rules set by other people and when the results don’t come you’re feeling down.
For example — the Pomodoro technique works for me, but not in the way people tell. Usually — you work for 30 min and take a rest for the next 5. I hated this work. As soon as I would get in the flow my times would buzz and it was telling me to take a break.
Until I realised that Pomodorro should not be taken at face value. It’s not a 30 min — 5 min rule. The rule is to take a break every time you feel blocked. So instead of setting a timer — I let myself get in the work mode. I stayed there for 1–2 hours until I felt like taking a break. This is what worked for me.
Stop doing what they tell you to do
We’re inundated with tips and tricks on how to live our best lives. And yet, despite your best efforts to follow their sage advice, you often find yourself falling short. Why? Because we’re not putting in the real work.
Ask yourself, as you reading that book because you like it or because your list says so? Are you working because you like it or just because your list says so? Are you not meeting your friends because you don’t want to or because your list says to stay stoic?
To better yourself does not mean to change everything that makes you-you!
It’s like trying to learn French by binge-watching Netflix instead of speaking the language.
As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus reminds us, “First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what you have to do.” Instead of fixating on endless to-do lists, focus on the essence of what you want to achieve. What kind of person do you want to become? What values do you want to embody? By aligning your actions with your core values and priorities, you can cultivate a sense of purpose and fulfilment that transcends the superficiality of mere tasks.
The Myth of “Getting Better”
“Get better,” they say. But what does that even mean? And who gets to define what “better” looks like anyway? Is it working more? Is it eating healthier? Is it working like a robot with a schedule to even breathe?
The truth is, that the pursuit of improvement is most fulfilling when it’s driven by internal motivation, not external expectations. It’s about following your own North Star, whether that leads you down the path of a nomad, a stoic, or a hybrid of both. The definition of better varies from person to person. Then don’t apply those strategies to your life — if the goals don’t align.
“The obstacle is the path.” Embrace the challenges, setbacks, and detours on your journey of self-improvement. Each obstacle is an opportunity for growth, a chance to learn, adapt, and evolve. By embracing the messy, unpredictable nature of life, you can cultivate resilience, strength, and wisdom that far surpasses any superficial notion of “getting better.”
Finding Balance
In the journey to better yourself, don’t forget to accept yourself. Most people fall behind this trap and set unrealistic expectations for themselves — when those are not met, they punish themselves.
Even scientifically — it takes the mind at least 18 days to create a habit and fit into a new routine. How can you expect your body to do that in 2 days?
Becoming a better version of yourself is less about the tactics you follow and more about the mindset you have.
- If you achieve something today — great. Pat yourself on the back.
- If the best thing you did was to get out of bed and do minimal work — great. Pat yourself on the back.
Don’t treat yourself like an algorithm that needs to ‘earn’ appreciation.
It’s all about balance. Yes, strive to be better, but also learn to accept yourself exactly as you are in this moment. Embrace your quirks, your imperfections, and your beautifully messy humanity.
It’s okay to have days when you feel like a productivity powerhouse and days when you just want to binge-watch in your pyjamas. Life is a delicate dance between growth and acceptance, and finding that balance is the key to true fulfilment.
Here’s some advice that helped me in my journey:
- Set Intentions, Not Goals: Instead of fixating on specific outcomes, focus on setting intentions for how you want to show up in the world. Intentions are flexible, adaptable, and rooted in your values, making them far more sustainable than rigid goals.
No, setting intentions does not mean you’re weak-minded. It means that you’re ready to give yourself the time to create new, longterm habits instead of rushing your body through a harsh cycle.
2. Practice Self-Compassion, not self-forgiveness: Be kind to yourself, especially when you fall short of your expectations.
This is tricky because if not done right, people mistake it for cheat days. Compassion does not mean you’ll forgive yourself each time. If someone treats you badly and says sorry each time — you’ll get tired of the repeated cycle. Don’t be that toxic person.
Being compassionate should not be co-related to being forgiving. Improvement requires a strong mentality so you cannot keep skipping important tasks and treating them as ‘just-another-day’
3. Cultivate Curiosity: Approach life with a sense of curiosity and wonder, embracing the unknown and exploring new possibilities. Keep asking questions, seeking knowledge, and staying open to growth. The smartest people I’ve met have never known they were the smartest in the room.
One should always reach for more knowledge. The day you think you know everything about that topic is the day you’ve lost. Create a habit of reading, listening to podcasts or watching informational videos. You never know when you learn something life-changing.
4. Celebrate Your Quirks: Your quirks are what make you uniquely you, so celebrate them unabashedly. Embrace your weirdness, your eccentricities, and your idiosyncrasies — it’s what sets you apart from the crowd. Give yourself appreciation and record the things you’re proud of.
The days when you don’t feel your best, go back to this record. It’ll help you look back and appreciate how far in the journey you’ve come.
5. Connect with Your Why: When embarking on the journey of self-improvement, always connect with your why. What is driving you to grow and evolve? Keep that why front and centre as your guiding star.
This is the most important for me. I’ve written my ‘why’ on a post-it note and stuck it to my work desk. Whenever I sit there, that ‘why’ is the first thing I read and it fires me up. Never forget why you started and keep pushing for that goal.
Give your dream a chance.
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